Have you ever had such a horrible night that you go to bed rather early, hoping a good night's sleep will leave you feeling better in the morning, but sadly you just toss and turn all night and end up more pissed off in the A.M.?
Mmhmm...that's me today. Pissed off and wanting to go the fuck home.
I swear I have no fucking clue what I'm doing with my life sometimes. I don't even know why I do and say the things I do. My impulsive and irrational behavior is becoming my worst enemy. I've come to the conclusion that I find things to get pissed off about (thanks to hearing certain boyfriends telling me this a million times) and I just wish I knew why I act this way. I don't feel that I deserve happiness. I don't feel like a deserve much. Every day I wake up wondering if something is going to piss me off and whether or not I'm going to handle it in the proper manner (and I NEVER do). Isn't that fucked up? I mean who thinks about that as soon as they wake up? I do.
I've been trying this whole "love yourself" bullshit because Edd always tells me I need to love myself, but that fucking shit doesn't work if you think you are a fuck-up and god damn worthless. I don't feel like I'm trusted. My past haunts me and the fact that I used to do some shitty things doesn't reflect well upon me now. I've changed, I really have. I don't lie anymore, ever. and I don't cheat. I'm trustworthy! But the man I love, doesn't trust me. He tells me he does but his actions speak louder. And that...fucking...kills...me. All I do is go to work at my bullshit job every day and come home and hang out with him. Simplistic. I'm not going out all the time, getting rowdy like I used to. And I don't mind having a somewhat boring life right now. It's calm.
I'm just really upset right now and needed to let my frustration out.
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