HAPPY FRIDAY! I'm on a natural high this morning because I've been getting some great sleep this week, last night I went to bed around 9:30 and waking up this morning never felt so good.
I've had a rather stressful week...felt pretty down for the most part. Down on myself, really. One of my greatest weaknesses is my ability to beat myself up for mistakes I've made (even one's from the past) and I do it to the point where I feel like I'm nothing. My mood changes at the flick of a switch, one minute I'm happy but the second something negative is brought up, I'm depressed again. I'm so fucking sick of feeling this way. I don't have anything to complain about, I have a great job, an amazing boyfriend who takes very good care of me, a loving family and the best friends I could ask for. I like to think I am a good person...but sometimes I'm not so sure. My epic fails from the past continue to fucking haunt me to this very day. I know I'm "stronger" because of the shit I've been through, but aren't I also weaker? Doesn't the fact that I let a horrible person control my life for almost 3 years say something about me? I really just want to die when I think of how I've lived my life so far. A nothing, a nobody. Someone's girlfriend, who didn't give a shit about me. Hell, I didn't give a shit about myself. I let myself go.
But I feel change occuring, I feel myself going back to the real Dez. It's hard to start over when you've known something for so long. But when that something you've known is heartbreak and depression, you'd think it would be easy to let those feelings chill in the past with that lame excuse for a person you left behind months ago. It really isn't though. It's not easy, nothing ever is.
I'm going to focus more on my writing because it is my therapy.
Bojangles sucked me in this morning, 2 Bo Berry biscuits and a large sweet tea. Good thing I'm starting my boot camp on Monday. 4 weeks of MWF boot camp sessions from 5:30-6:30 am. I'm going to die probably. but at least I'll look good when I'm dead :)
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