I'm feeling dark today...

I killed you in my dreams last night
I laughed as I watched you scream and fight
For your last gasping breath, which I took with ease
Even when you asked me please
Then you laid dead on the floor
I smiled and felt no remorse
Revenge I wanted, revenge I got
You ruined my life, so I took yours on the spot.
How could I be so cold and heartless
How could I do something like this
It's easy, because it was a dream
And now I awake to the sound of my own scream
I'm drenched in sweat, out of breath
but still smiling when I think of your death.

My life fucking blows today.

Have you ever had such a horrible night that you go to bed rather early, hoping a good night's sleep will leave you feeling better in the morning, but sadly you just toss and turn all night and end up more pissed off in the A.M.?

Mmhmm...that's me today. Pissed off and wanting to go the fuck home.

I swear I have no fucking clue what I'm doing with my life sometimes. I don't even know why I do and say the things I do. My impulsive and irrational behavior is becoming my worst enemy. I've come to the conclusion that I find things to get pissed off about (thanks to hearing certain boyfriends telling me this a million times) and I just wish I knew why I act this way. I don't feel that I deserve happiness. I don't feel like a deserve much. Every day I wake up wondering if something is going to piss me off and whether or not I'm going to handle it in the proper manner (and I NEVER do). Isn't that fucked up? I mean who thinks about that as soon as they wake up? I do.

I've been trying this whole "love yourself" bullshit because Edd always tells me I need to love myself, but that fucking shit doesn't work if you think you are a fuck-up and god damn worthless. I don't feel like I'm trusted. My past haunts me and the fact that I used to do some shitty things doesn't reflect well upon me now. I've changed, I really have. I don't lie anymore, ever. and I don't cheat. I'm trustworthy! But the man I love, doesn't trust me. He tells me he does but his actions speak louder. And that...fucking...kills...me. All I do is go to work at my bullshit job every day and come home and hang out with him. Simplistic. I'm not going out all the time, getting rowdy like I used to. And I don't mind having a somewhat boring life right now. It's calm.

I'm just really upset right now and needed to let my frustration out.

This isn't where I parked my car...

It's been a minute since I've written
cuz I've been busy being smitten :)

Things are amazing with Edd. I now realize I've never been truly happy until now. I want to do things for him that I wouldn't normally do, for instance COOK haha. I hate cooking and anybody who knows me is aware of this already. But, I've been cooking and baking like a mother fucker lately. Brownies, cupcakes, pastas, and breakfast...you name it. I think I'm getting quite good at it :) I'm actually whipping up something fantastic tonight for him, I'm fuckin stoked. I enjoy treating him well because he deserves it so much. He never lets me down and always knows exactly what to do or say.

Good (metaphorical) god! I could go on forever about him...

My work day is almost half over! The time goes by a lot faster when you actually work instead of facebook haha. Which by the way, I'm trying to get away from as much as possible. It really is lame. I'm sick of the drama and how everyone knows your business on it. It's a great way to stay connected but it's a little fucking overkill if you ask me.

I'm starting to get tan as shit and I love it...the sunny weather has been so perfect lately. Weekends have been reserved for the pool for the most part. What people who don't have full time 9-5's don't understand, is the fact that people who do just want to fucking kick it on the weekend. Half the time, I don't even want to get ready and go out. I've just been enjoying my time with Edd...I'm not too concerned with partying right now because of how much I have been the past few months. I'm trying to give myself a break, I mean I turn 21 in 4 months so that's when the REAL partying begins YA DIG!

Strawberry champagne is that fire.

THURSDAY

I like Thursdays.
They remind me of the band, Thursday.

I think I'm officially obsessed with Every Time I Die. I've realized how much I love their lyrics, not to mention they are just totally badass. Keith Buckley is my hero :)

Boot Camp is going well. I'm not too sore today, but lucky me I get to run a mile tomorrow morning at 5:30!! That means I can't stay up late tonight, and I know of two parties going down. FACKKK MEEEE.

I'm still on the hunt for a hoop for my lip. I've looked everywhere. AND EVERYWHERE SUCKS because I still haven't found a good one.

I wish I wasn't working today, it's beautiful outside. I hope the weekend is warm, need that pool time :)

I'm not going to fuck you like a dog, it's just the style..

Thank you, Seth Rogen, for my blog title. You are by far the coolest!

420 '09 was VERY successful, I'm glad I got to be with good friends and celebrate our love for the herb. We had a mini movie marathon of Knocked Up and Pineapple Express, it was great. I have come to the conclusion that, while Seth Rogen isn't "attractive", his personality and charisma make him really cute. We were all in agreement that we want to sit down and smoke some joints with him haha. I made brownies (NO weed in them) and everyone that came through stopped at the door and was like "Brownies??" and I'm like NO WEED IN THEM and they got dissapointed haha. But, Edd just wanted some brownies and I made them like a good girlfriend would :)

I am sore as shit from Boot Camp, like my legs might fall off. Seriously...it shows me just how out of shape I am. This "diet" I'm on is killing me as well. I'm trying to do 1000 calories a day, but I've heard you can feel worn down from only eating that small amount of calories so I'm not sure about it. I've just been eating salads and 100 calorie snacks. I had pasta for dinner, and two brownies which was a no-no but it was also a holiday ;)

Edd is working all day, I'm proud of him. He's doing so well right now. I'm extremely happy and I can't remember the last time I felt this way. He's great for me and really makes me feel like I'm special. Oh I am just a fool in love...

My brother turns 16 on Friday, where in the fuck has the time gone?

It's time to suck today's dick!!!!

Hitler's Birthday...or every pothead's Christmas :)

No matter how you look at it, it's 4/20 :)
Now go smoke something!!

I had a rather chill weekend...Friday night was the craziest, drank a fifth of Captain with Edd and got the Charger stuck in the mud haha thanks to all the guys who helped me out! My friend Austin had to pull me out with his monster truck, granted I was kind of drunk for all of this madness.

I spent all day Saturday at the pool, drank two 18 packs of Coors with Jenny and Edd, passed out at 9:30 that night hahaha. I was pissed because I was told to turn my music down THREE fucking times, and it didn't make sense because EVERYONE at the pool told me to crank the tunes. I guess the fat fuck faggot that works in the apartment office was jealous he wasn't having fun like we we're. Wow, that was harsh. Oh well, he fuckin sucks.

A topic I'd like to discuss: BITCHES. And how they can't keep to themselves. Ok sluts, listen up. and listen good. STOP trying to talk to/hang out with guys that are TAKEN. You think just because you work with someone or know them gives you the right to blow their shit up all the time, well guess fucking what, it doesn't. You're ugly, your last name is another word for a cunt, and you're a child that is still in high school (yes I'm speaking about one trick in particular) so cut the shit out before I come down to where you work and make you wish you had never spoken one word to my boyfriend. Got it??

Ok now that my anger is out...happy holidays everybody, smoke the finest and keep it fonzie. Cool it with your buds AND your friends ;)

Why do all good bands...

TURN INTO FUCKING CRAPHOUSE ONCE THEY "MAKE IT BIG".

This is a phenomenon that has been plaguing society for decades now. A band starts out after getting signed to a label, they're fucking amazing right. They build up their fan base, they tour. They start making money...I feel like this is the point where most bands say "Hey, let's see if we can make even MORE money" and thus, the "selling out" ensues and they become just another dime a dozen garbage band that appeals to high school kids. But wait...what about the music?

WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING MUSIC PEOPLE!

Does the whole music aspect fly out the window once they see there is money to be made in those horrible, awful, unoriginal pop tunes? Do they run out of creative material and go with these "safe" songs they know are catchy? There's nothing wrong with catchy songs...but going from doing a lot of screaming to barely any (*cough* BERT MCCRACKEN) changes the whole style of the band. Yes, The Used is one band I am referring to here. They were RAD when I was about 14...think the self titled album. GREAT FUCKING ALBUM. And now look at them, writing all these sappy slow songs about love and shit. What happened to the songs about the dark side of life? What happened to the poetic tragedy's, buried myself alive's, and bulimic's? I guess those types of songs aren't "popular" and Bert needed heroin money.

Great, quality bands either go soft or break up (R.I.P. Glassjaw)

BTBAM is the only exception in my book. DUH like you didn't see that coming...silly :)

I could get used to this...

HAPPY FRIDAY! I'm on a natural high this morning because I've been getting some great sleep this week, last night I went to bed around 9:30 and waking up this morning never felt so good.

I've had a rather stressful week...felt pretty down for the most part. Down on myself, really. One of my greatest weaknesses is my ability to beat myself up for mistakes I've made (even one's from the past) and I do it to the point where I feel like I'm nothing. My mood changes at the flick of a switch, one minute I'm happy but the second something negative is brought up, I'm depressed again. I'm so fucking sick of feeling this way. I don't have anything to complain about, I have a great job, an amazing boyfriend who takes very good care of me, a loving family and the best friends I could ask for. I like to think I am a good person...but sometimes I'm not so sure. My epic fails from the past continue to fucking haunt me to this very day. I know I'm "stronger" because of the shit I've been through, but aren't I also weaker? Doesn't the fact that I let a horrible person control my life for almost 3 years say something about me? I really just want to die when I think of how I've lived my life so far. A nothing, a nobody. Someone's girlfriend, who didn't give a shit about me. Hell, I didn't give a shit about myself. I let myself go.

But I feel change occuring, I feel myself going back to the real Dez. It's hard to start over when you've known something for so long. But when that something you've known is heartbreak and depression, you'd think it would be easy to let those feelings chill in the past with that lame excuse for a person you left behind months ago. It really isn't though. It's not easy, nothing ever is.

I'm going to focus more on my writing because it is my therapy.

Bojangles sucked me in this morning, 2 Bo Berry biscuits and a large sweet tea. Good thing I'm starting my boot camp on Monday. 4 weeks of MWF boot camp sessions from 5:30-6:30 am. I'm going to die probably. but at least I'll look good when I'm dead :)

I'm a rollercoaster of emotions...

I just realized I haven't written in 5 days...ouch!! I can't really write on the weekends seeing as I don't have a computer, so right now I'm kind of limited to weekly blogs.

BUT it's not like anyone actually reads this shit anyways...

I'm listening to the BTBAM cover of "The Day I Tried to Live" by Soundgarden right now. I prefer BTBAM's original songs, of course, but this is just a great cover. I'm not much of a Soundgarden fan either. I think I like it so much because Tommy uses his screams to make it their own. Or maybe I just love Tommy's screams...

I've been working extremely hard at my job this week, which is really awesome. I told myself I wasn't going to drink this week, but so far I've had at least like 3 beers every night. I can't help it honestly, there's nothing I love more than coming home from work, ploppin down on a big chair outside, smokin a ROOR and drinkin a few brews. I don't get shitfaced every night, but I definitely drink. There's a difference...drinking is therapeutic for me. The first sip of a beer is like metaphorical heaven.

I want to bring up an interesting topic...legalizing marijuana. I can hear the oohs and ahhs now...
Ok, first of all, I'll be the first to admit that marijuana IS addictive. And I'm proud to be a stoner, but I did try to quit when I dumped my ex. I couldn't eat, I couldn't function normal. I had horrible stomach pains all day but no appetite. I felt nauseous. I started to smoke again and felt normal. To be honest, I don't see a problem with getting high. Whenever I'm sick, stressed, tired, upset... I smoke and feel a lot better. Every time. You know what else fucking gets me? This stuff is GROWN NATURALLY. No additives, no "fillers"...pure herbal refreshment. Now how can cigarettes and alcohol be legal when they kill thousands upon thousands of people each year? Ever heard of someone dying from smoking pot? No, you haven't. Even my Dad will tell you marijuana should be legal because "the government could make a killing off of it and well people are gonna smoke that shit anyways" haha gotta love your parents. That was a quote, by the way.

Today is a good day. I woke up feeling refreshed and energized because I went to bed early. The sun is shining through one of my windows in my office and that alone gives me a great feeling :)

I've been tanning recently...but no, I will NOT be orange thank you very much. I honestly enjoy laying in that warm bed for a few minutes each day and being able to escape reality for a short amount of time. No cell phones, no people...nothing. Ever wondered what life would be like without distractions? Sometimes I want to move away, not tell anybody, change my phone number and start a new life.

Give In (to nothing)

To the untrained eye, my life is great.
But why do tears rush down my face...
The world is moving at too fast a pace
And I'm the last one to finish the race.
I beg and plead with myself to give a shit
But the minute things get hard, I'm through with it.
I've never been much for putting forth effort.
Not even for things of worth.
Half the time I'm cluelessly wandering,
Stumbling drunk through life, trying to find its meaning.
I think of the pain I've endured the past 3 years
And that is the source of most of my tears.
I've heard "you can't regret the past" more than I'd like
but to me, it just doesn't seem right.
Why can't I regret bad decisions?
It's a fucked up world we live in.
I think I'm gonna give in...
Tonight, I might just give in.

It's Friday, I'm hungover.

Well I'm pretty sure I drank enough beer last night to keep a small army wasted...

One of my best friends, Jessie, is in town from England with her wonderful boyfriend, Jack. We hadn't seen her in a while so Mel had a little throwdown at the 9210 last night. It was fucking insane, so many people...I won a couple games of beer pong and was pretty stoked because I hadn't played in forever. I was told by Jack that the way I was dressed was referred to as "top shelf" (I think that's what it was haha, like I said, small army wasted) in England and that it meant I had a great sense of style. Aww, he was great! Extremely well mannered, polite, and all around delightful. I am very happy with Jessie decision to be with him :)

GOD DAMN I WAS DRUNK. I drove home too. The bad thing about me is...I drive extremely well under the influence. NO, NOT ABOVE THE INFLUENCE like those weak ass drug commercials...UNDER the influence. Get it, got it? GOOD.

I had a rather strange thing happen to me yesterday when I got home from work. I packed up the ROOR, sat on the couch and cranked the iPod, you know a typical after work bong session. I was tired as hell so about halfway through the bong pack, I fell asleep. As I was actually falling asleep, though, I kept feeling like I wasn't alone. I'd open my eyes real quick every time I felt this odd sense and it felt like I was in a dream. I swear it felt like something was present...it sounds nuts but I swore I felt a light touch on my arm. Edd was at work so I knew I was trippin or something...I don't know it was fucking crazy.

I desperately need coffee right now, or maybe a rail. JUST KIDDING I don't roll that way.

Your screams are brutal yet melodic...please be mine.

Yes, that's right. I'm talking to you, Mr. Tommy Rogers.
I'm obsessed with BTBAM (in case you didn't know already).
Completely and totally obsessed. I listen to them every morning while getting ready for work...on the way to work...at work...at home. I've never been able to relate to a band so well as I do BTBAM. Their work is simply brilliant. I walked right by Tommy at their show last weekend and almost fainted. I pussed out on talking to him, but in all fairness, he looked EXTREMELY pissed off because they were having issues with their mics. I wasn't trying to say "what's up" and have him be a dick.

This morning, is beautiful. Absolutely fucking gorgeous. I hate that I work during the day because I don't get to enjoy the weather like I'd like to (aka laying out and getting drunk haha). Tonight I'm partying with my best friends! It has been FOR-EV-ERRRR since we've all been in the same room, and one of my friends Jessie is in town from England with her boyfriend, whom I will be meeting for the first time tonight. YEY.

I have absolutely no complaints right now. I'm genuinely happy. I had no idea life could be so wonderful. :)

My first fucking post.

My friend Daniel inspired me to start blogging...
thanks asshole now I REALLY won't get any sort of work done here!

It's beautiful outside today but it's god damn freezing. I refuse to wear a jacket for some reason, I wore a polo shirt to work today. I see sun so I THINK warm, but I know better than that. The week is flying by, which is good, because I plan on throwing the fuck down this weekend. POOL PARTY at my pool Saturday, it's gonna be an all day thing. If I like you, you can come. Damn that doesn't leave many people...haha just kidding. kind of.

I'm about to get serious on your asses...I'm in love :) but not just "Oh I love him", its more like "HOLY SHIT IM INSANELY IN LOVE"!! I want everyone in the world to know. Not like they care, but they need to. Edd is the greatest person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. It's not even how insanely good looking he is or how well he treats me...even though I love both of those things. The thing about Edd that makes me love and respect him like I do is the fact that he is genuine and kind to everyone around him. He respects women and my friends. He isn't ignorant or close minded. He never yells or gets angry with me. We both share the same love for life. We haven't dated long but he has already made a hugely positive impact on my life and even if things didn't work out, I'd love him forever for teaching me that life is beautiful.

OK ENOUGH OF THAT SERIOUS SHIT.

I went home at lunch, did some domestic shit...I almost stayed home instead of going to work because the Roor was out, the buds smelled amazing, and I've been wanting to watch It's Always Sunny. but alas, I am back at work. Because I'm trying to be this person people call a "grown up" haha. Who the fuck am I kidding, I'm still a kid. But I can pretend :)