I hold my breath, to kill the sound.

I just realized it's been almost two weeks since I've written anything...I have been pretty slack about it lately.

Life hasn't been too eventful these past few weeks...I've been spending as much time as I can with Edd, he has a new job where he works a lot of nights. It's a little upsetting because we aren't spending as much time together as we used to, but I am just happy he was able to find a job with the way our economy is. I'm trying this whole "look on the bright side" of things. I guess it's working...

My final weigh-in for boot camp is this Friday. I will find out how much weight I lost in a month. I'm excited/nervous. My mom is signing up for another month, I am not. I dont really need it like she does. I just have to be motivated enough to continue running and working out. Maybe I'll just look at old pics of myself, I swear I was a whale.

Yesterday was a good Mother's Day. I spent the whole day with my family, laying out and swimming. My dad cooked some awesome food, eggs benedict and mimosas for brunch, bratwurst for dinner. I got a little drunk haha my parents and I killed an 18 of Coors Light. I had some pretty interesting conversations with my dad, from piercings and tattoos, to the Notorious movie, and definitely weed talk which always happens when we drink together. I used to think he secretly smoked, but after yesterday I'm pretty sure he doesn't which kinda bums me out. BUT, he's all for it being legalized and I can be open with him about how much I smoke and he doesn't judge me. Then my mom comes around and we have to stop talking about it because we both know all she's gonna do is knock it. And well, we aint havin that!

It's been a typical Monday, I'm pretty stressed out and I can tell because I'm getting headaches again. I'm really excited to see my nephews this weekend, it's been months. My parents are having a birthday party for the eldest Aiden, I think he's about to be 8, or 9. They grow up so quickly...things are still rocky with my sister but hopefully everything will go ok.

I'm feeling dark today...

I killed you in my dreams last night
I laughed as I watched you scream and fight
For your last gasping breath, which I took with ease
Even when you asked me please
Then you laid dead on the floor
I smiled and felt no remorse
Revenge I wanted, revenge I got
You ruined my life, so I took yours on the spot.
How could I be so cold and heartless
How could I do something like this
It's easy, because it was a dream
And now I awake to the sound of my own scream
I'm drenched in sweat, out of breath
but still smiling when I think of your death.

My life fucking blows today.

Have you ever had such a horrible night that you go to bed rather early, hoping a good night's sleep will leave you feeling better in the morning, but sadly you just toss and turn all night and end up more pissed off in the A.M.?

Mmhmm...that's me today. Pissed off and wanting to go the fuck home.

I swear I have no fucking clue what I'm doing with my life sometimes. I don't even know why I do and say the things I do. My impulsive and irrational behavior is becoming my worst enemy. I've come to the conclusion that I find things to get pissed off about (thanks to hearing certain boyfriends telling me this a million times) and I just wish I knew why I act this way. I don't feel that I deserve happiness. I don't feel like a deserve much. Every day I wake up wondering if something is going to piss me off and whether or not I'm going to handle it in the proper manner (and I NEVER do). Isn't that fucked up? I mean who thinks about that as soon as they wake up? I do.

I've been trying this whole "love yourself" bullshit because Edd always tells me I need to love myself, but that fucking shit doesn't work if you think you are a fuck-up and god damn worthless. I don't feel like I'm trusted. My past haunts me and the fact that I used to do some shitty things doesn't reflect well upon me now. I've changed, I really have. I don't lie anymore, ever. and I don't cheat. I'm trustworthy! But the man I love, doesn't trust me. He tells me he does but his actions speak louder. And that...fucking...kills...me. All I do is go to work at my bullshit job every day and come home and hang out with him. Simplistic. I'm not going out all the time, getting rowdy like I used to. And I don't mind having a somewhat boring life right now. It's calm.

I'm just really upset right now and needed to let my frustration out.

This isn't where I parked my car...

It's been a minute since I've written
cuz I've been busy being smitten :)

Things are amazing with Edd. I now realize I've never been truly happy until now. I want to do things for him that I wouldn't normally do, for instance COOK haha. I hate cooking and anybody who knows me is aware of this already. But, I've been cooking and baking like a mother fucker lately. Brownies, cupcakes, pastas, and breakfast...you name it. I think I'm getting quite good at it :) I'm actually whipping up something fantastic tonight for him, I'm fuckin stoked. I enjoy treating him well because he deserves it so much. He never lets me down and always knows exactly what to do or say.

Good (metaphorical) god! I could go on forever about him...

My work day is almost half over! The time goes by a lot faster when you actually work instead of facebook haha. Which by the way, I'm trying to get away from as much as possible. It really is lame. I'm sick of the drama and how everyone knows your business on it. It's a great way to stay connected but it's a little fucking overkill if you ask me.

I'm starting to get tan as shit and I love it...the sunny weather has been so perfect lately. Weekends have been reserved for the pool for the most part. What people who don't have full time 9-5's don't understand, is the fact that people who do just want to fucking kick it on the weekend. Half the time, I don't even want to get ready and go out. I've just been enjoying my time with Edd...I'm not too concerned with partying right now because of how much I have been the past few months. I'm trying to give myself a break, I mean I turn 21 in 4 months so that's when the REAL partying begins YA DIG!

Strawberry champagne is that fire.

THURSDAY

I like Thursdays.
They remind me of the band, Thursday.

I think I'm officially obsessed with Every Time I Die. I've realized how much I love their lyrics, not to mention they are just totally badass. Keith Buckley is my hero :)

Boot Camp is going well. I'm not too sore today, but lucky me I get to run a mile tomorrow morning at 5:30!! That means I can't stay up late tonight, and I know of two parties going down. FACKKK MEEEE.

I'm still on the hunt for a hoop for my lip. I've looked everywhere. AND EVERYWHERE SUCKS because I still haven't found a good one.

I wish I wasn't working today, it's beautiful outside. I hope the weekend is warm, need that pool time :)

I'm not going to fuck you like a dog, it's just the style..

Thank you, Seth Rogen, for my blog title. You are by far the coolest!

420 '09 was VERY successful, I'm glad I got to be with good friends and celebrate our love for the herb. We had a mini movie marathon of Knocked Up and Pineapple Express, it was great. I have come to the conclusion that, while Seth Rogen isn't "attractive", his personality and charisma make him really cute. We were all in agreement that we want to sit down and smoke some joints with him haha. I made brownies (NO weed in them) and everyone that came through stopped at the door and was like "Brownies??" and I'm like NO WEED IN THEM and they got dissapointed haha. But, Edd just wanted some brownies and I made them like a good girlfriend would :)

I am sore as shit from Boot Camp, like my legs might fall off. Seriously...it shows me just how out of shape I am. This "diet" I'm on is killing me as well. I'm trying to do 1000 calories a day, but I've heard you can feel worn down from only eating that small amount of calories so I'm not sure about it. I've just been eating salads and 100 calorie snacks. I had pasta for dinner, and two brownies which was a no-no but it was also a holiday ;)

Edd is working all day, I'm proud of him. He's doing so well right now. I'm extremely happy and I can't remember the last time I felt this way. He's great for me and really makes me feel like I'm special. Oh I am just a fool in love...

My brother turns 16 on Friday, where in the fuck has the time gone?

It's time to suck today's dick!!!!

Hitler's Birthday...or every pothead's Christmas :)

No matter how you look at it, it's 4/20 :)
Now go smoke something!!

I had a rather chill weekend...Friday night was the craziest, drank a fifth of Captain with Edd and got the Charger stuck in the mud haha thanks to all the guys who helped me out! My friend Austin had to pull me out with his monster truck, granted I was kind of drunk for all of this madness.

I spent all day Saturday at the pool, drank two 18 packs of Coors with Jenny and Edd, passed out at 9:30 that night hahaha. I was pissed because I was told to turn my music down THREE fucking times, and it didn't make sense because EVERYONE at the pool told me to crank the tunes. I guess the fat fuck faggot that works in the apartment office was jealous he wasn't having fun like we we're. Wow, that was harsh. Oh well, he fuckin sucks.

A topic I'd like to discuss: BITCHES. And how they can't keep to themselves. Ok sluts, listen up. and listen good. STOP trying to talk to/hang out with guys that are TAKEN. You think just because you work with someone or know them gives you the right to blow their shit up all the time, well guess fucking what, it doesn't. You're ugly, your last name is another word for a cunt, and you're a child that is still in high school (yes I'm speaking about one trick in particular) so cut the shit out before I come down to where you work and make you wish you had never spoken one word to my boyfriend. Got it??

Ok now that my anger is out...happy holidays everybody, smoke the finest and keep it fonzie. Cool it with your buds AND your friends ;)